


Morally Grey

by TeachMePatience



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Family Loss, Fear, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Protective Magnus Bane, Threats of Violence, Trials
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-07 14:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14672853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachMePatience/pseuds/TeachMePatience
Summary: “I don’t know if I can stand by and watch you in pain, Alec.” Magnus whispered.“Magnus, please. Do this for me? I’m stronger this time.” He said as firmly as he could manage, even if he didn’t believe a word of it. “I’ve gotyouthis time. I’ll be fine.”Magnus’ eyes searched his face, seeking out any sign of doubt. Alec couldn’t honestly be sure that he’d find none because Magnus was the only thing keeping him from descending into the grips of fear at that moment.“Please.” Alec repeated, knowing that if Magnus interfered in this then it would mean the end.*****Alec is summoned to Idris for his Ascension Trial in which he will be psychologically tested before the Clave agrees to his appointment as Head of the Institute. That process involves monitored lucid dreaming whilst his worst fears are stimulated and he is more than a little nervous.It can't possibly be any worse than last time though...





	1. State of Comparison

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all,
> 
> I've taken massive liberties with this fic, mainly with the Clave's no doubt medieval rituals.
> 
> Wrote this chapter a little while ago now and I don't know how I feel about it anymore so do let me know if it is something I need to continue because I have a love/hate relationship with it. I'll probably add tags as I go...If I go any further.
> 
> Much love to Ash (svragent) for giving this a beta read...I'd link you but I'm not that technologically advanced.
> 
> Enjoy peeps xx

“Are you frightened?” he heard Magnus ask from somewhere behind him.

“No.”

Alec didn’t turn around. He knew that if he did Magnus would instantly know that he was lying. Of course he was frightened, just too stubborn to admit it. Last time had been horrendously painful, in more ways than one.

He continued to lean against the wall, staring out across the illustrious gardens attached to The Gard building. Spring in Alicante was beautiful, even this late into the evening...morning? He felt like he needed a solid winter hibernation right about now. Any fight to keep the hunch from his shoulders and his eyes focused had drained from him about two hours ago. The sun would be up soon. He could get this over with, deal with whatever the consequences were and move on accordingly.

Alec reluctantly turned, not knowing what else to do. He felt so out of place here. Bland rooms like these were usually empty, or housed foreign delegates. They were devoid of any character and stripped of anything that would encourage an ease of mind. He took in the image of Magnus sitting tensely on the edge of the bed and knew he probably felt even more out of place. It was a miracle Magnus had been granted access to Idris for this at all. The fact that they had been allocated separate rooms hadn’t stopped him. He’d bolstered into Alec’s room, claiming the bed as his too, muttering about ‘ _making do_ ’ and how the sheets ‘ _clashed with his pyjamas_.’

Alec’s stomach lurched again, empty and in knots. _Everyone goes through this, you’re no different,_ his mind chimed. His insecurities were clawing at the surface and the last thing he needed was to become a victim to his own inadequacy… _again_.

Alec chanced a glance at Magnus’ face and was met with a wholly unconvinced stare.

“What?”

“You don’t need to keep that front up, not with me anyway.” Magnus said softly.

“I know,” Alec sighed, knowing he couldn’t hide himself from Magnus’ scrutiny any more now than he’d been able to at the beginning. “I’m a little nervous. There, I said it. Are you happy now?”

Magnus winced a little and Alec knew his tone had come out harsher than he’d intended. He breathed out a defeated sigh and made a conscious effort to relax his features a little. He was exhausted and that was painfully obvious. It was doing nothing for his mood either.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Alec gave up trying to find words for what he could barely explain to himself, and moved across to the bed to sit beside Magnus. He sandwiched his hands firmly between his knees and hunched forward a little. If he could barely keep himself in check now how was he going to be able to face the council?

 “It’s okay Alexander.” Magnus interrupted, moving to place a hand on Alec’s thigh. “I get it. I’ll let it slide, but _only_ because you haven’t slept.”

Alec peeked up in time to see the hint of a smirk on Magnus face and let out a reluctant laugh.

“Come on. I can’t be a bad as you after a serious magic depletion.”

Magnus eyebrows shot up in surprise at the unexpected comeback but laughed nonetheless. Alec took hold of the hand placed on his leg and gave it a light squeeze. Maybe the reason this had gone so horrendously wrong last time was because he’d been alone. He’d been confused and buried so deep in his own head. Was he really that different now though? There was no denying he’d changed but was it enough? _Was it too much?_

“Do you want to lie down?” Magnus said, pulling him from his thoughts.

Alec shook his head and moved to fiddling with the rings on Magnus’ fingers. He knew the last thing he needed was relaxation. He needed distraction from the anxiety bubbling inside.

“I’ll just end up falling asleep.” He said, disinterested.

Alec knew he was being short. He knew he wasn’t himself, but the weight he’d put on his own shoulders was heavy and he was suffocating beneath it. Everything he’d ever trained for, everything he’d ever thought he couldn’t have was on the line. He was almost afraid to say how much he wanted it aloud, just in case it was all snatched away from him. What was worse was knowing that if that happened, if it all got pulled away, that it would be his own fault. That thought itself was enough to make him unsteady. He’d always been prone to nervousness and second-guessing before, but it never usually took a toll on his body.

When he’d received the fire message informing him of the date for his Ascension Trial he’d felt sick, instantly submerged in the trauma of the only other time he’d undergone it. It was a mystery how he’d passed the last time, probably by the skin of his teeth. Would they be measuring today’s outcome against last time? As much as he pretended to be the confident and decisive leader that everyone needed, Alec knew that his ideals didn’t just apply to Shadowhunters and who knew if that would help or hinder him.

_Then there’s your personal life._

Alec rubbed a hand across his face and released a frustrated groan. All of these pre-assessment rules were messing with his head. He wanted food. He wanted sleep. He wanted Magnus without having to be judged for it.

“I’m not going to pretend to understand this trial Alexander. From what I’ve heard the whole thing is barbaric. You’re obviously fit to lead! Your record and judgements speak for themselves!”

They’d had this conversations like his before. Alec knew how passionate Magnus was, knew how protective he could be and he loved him for it. Alec also knew how opposed to so many Shadowhunter rituals Magnus was, and honestly, he mostly agreed with him. That didn’t change things today however. He just didn’t have the energy for it right now. He could practically feel the weight of the dark circles beneath his eyes.

Magnus must have sensed his defeat. Either that or he looked as pathetically drained as he felt. He felt Magnus’ palm on his cheek and leaned into the warmth of his touch, wanting to use the contact as a pillow. He allowed his eyes to close, _just for one second,_ and gave over more of his weight to Magnus that he probably should have. He could practically feel unconsciousness grasping at the edges of his mind.

“Come on Alec, you can do this.” He heard Magnus’ voice, pulling at his mind again and anchoring him back in reality. Magnus slowly removed his hand and Alec’s head dropped a little from the loss of contact, jerking him back awake.

Alec’s heart clenched at the pained expression on Magnus’ face. This wasn’t his burden to bear.

“I know I don’t understand all of your customs and probably never will.” Magnus said softly. “I don’t know what it’s like to be brought up with them, not questioning them. Not eating or sleeping for twenty-four hours so that it’s easier for some self-righteous Clave representative to stimulate your worst nightmares when you _do_ finally fall asleep seems extreme to me. And that’s before they even get around to evaluating your responses…but if it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.”

Alec glanced at Magnus through heavy-lidded eyes that burned. What had he ever done to deserve such unquestionable love?

“How many times do they put you to sleep?” Magnus asked.

“Just the once.” Alec replied, his voice heavy. “But there is a serum that stimulates different parts of the brain. There’s multiple nightmares so they kind of… change and blend into one another. It just depends what state your mind is in really. They take hold better if you haven’t eaten or slept. They’re…clearer I guess. Some of them try to exploit weaknesses, some of them go for personality flaws, high pressure situations…things like that.”

“Tell me about last time?” Magnus asked tentatively.

Alec’s throat tightened a little and a shot of adrenaline coursed him at the recollection of the painful memories. He stood abruptly and paced a little, not knowing what to say. He had no problem opening up to Magnus now, and they had no secrets from one another but he didn’t know where to start. It had been such a painful time of his life. He’d been so buried beneath his feelings of impotence and falsity. He’d felt so helpless, lost in the dark, like his life was just a means to an end for others.

“It was a long time ago,” he managed to choke out, knowing that wasn’t really an answer.

Magnus nodded, the affection and encouragement held behind his eyes stripping him bare.

“I…It was when I turned eighteen. When the Clave start handing out the serious missions. Higher security clearance and all…I guess they need to make sure your priorities match theirs...and I-I was too much in my own head.” He started, moving over to the wall furthest from the bed and pressing all of his weight against it. “Your personal life isn’t supposed to bleed into your professional life, never mind rule it!”

Magnus knew about his past, about the urges he’d never acted on and the extent of which he’d locked himself away and chained himself to his lies. He knew the magnitude of his fear at what he’d thought he’d lose, and yet, Alec couldn’t help but feel the familiar grip of that fear today, at what might get ripped away from him.

“You were young Alexander, you know it’s okay, right?”

Alec did know. He’d come to terms with a lot since Magnus had crashed into his life. He’d come to terms with a lot _because_ of Magnus, but he still couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

“It was terrible last time Magnus…I…They saw everything.” He said, shifting his weight down the wall and sitting with his back against it, forearms resting on his knees. “And I mean _everything_ …the fact that I knew I’d always be alone, and _why_ I‘d always be alone. They saw me get rejected by Jace because of it, my own parabatai. It was all so real Magnus, I felt everything…physical, emotional… _everything_. I’ve carried it around with me for years.”

Alec raised his eyes up to the ceiling and forced himself to start counting the ceiling tiles. He needed something to distract his mind. Those nightmares might not have been real but they felt like memories, and he could still taste the bitterness of the rejection they’d left behind.

He’d moved on though. He was stronger now. When they’d first met he’d been worried that Magnus would cut himself on the jagged pieces of his shattered self-image. Instead he found a man that had taped up the fragments of his heart and helped hold him together, helped him walk taller. It didn’t mean that the past didn’t still hurt.

Alec felt a weight against his side, a body pushed against his, a head leaning on his shoulder. He dropped his head back so that it thudded softly against the wall.

“I’ll be there Alec. I can’t say I know what to expect but…I’ll be there.”

They sat in silence a little, both unsure of how to continue, unsure of whether they _should_ continue. Alec knew he needed to keep talking. He needed it to stay awake but talking about the trial just reinforced the fact that he was completely blind. He had no idea what his subconscious would throw at him in a few hours.

In the end it was Magnus that broke their peace.

“Will I be able to see them? Your dreams?”

“Yeah, everyone in attendance will. There’s a monitor.” Alec said woefully. It suddenly hit home that Magnus _really_ didn’t know what to expect. He was going into this just as blind. Despite his years, Magnus wouldn’t have been allowed to witness such rituals before.

When Alec had written Magnus’ name on the line requiring the person that would have a duty of care afterwards he’d thought it would be immediately denied, and he’d be asked to choose another. He’d never heard of anyone naming a Downworlder before.

Conditional access to the Gard had been granted with the understanding that magic was prohibited whilst he was here. Alec wondered whether Magnus’ reputation as High Warlock had garnered him an element of trust. What was more likely was that Jace had made a case to Imogen on his behalf.

“Magnus, don’t…uh, don’t panic tomorrow ok?” Alec said, realising he needed to prepare Magnus as much as himself. “The whole thing can look a little…medieval, I guess? I’ll be fine. Even if it looks like I’m not…even if I’m in pain, or…you don’t like what you see, just, promise me you won’t intervene.”

He felt the weight leave his shoulder and he knew Magnus’ gaze was on him. He lifted his head from the wall a little and chanced a glance at Magnus’ face. He wasn’t prepared for the wounded expression he met. Indecision and hurt had laced itself into the lines on Magnus’ face.

“I don’t know if I can stand by and watch you in pain, Alec.” Magnus whispered, turning his body and crossing his legs so that he could face Alec.

“Magnus, please. Do this for me? I’m stronger this time.” He said as firmly as he could manage, even if he didn’t believe a word of it. “I’ve got _you_ this time. I’ll be fine.”

Magnus’ eyes searched his face, seeking out any sign of doubt. Alec couldn’t honestly be sure that he’d find none because Magnus was the only thing keeping him from descending into the grips of fear at that moment.

He couldn’t look away from Magnus’ face, from the way his eyes were imploring Alec to let him help, to let him soften the blows as he always had.

“ _Please_.” Alec repeated, knowing that if Magnus interfered in this then it would mean the end. The end of any ambitions he had as a Shadowhunter, the end of Magnus as High Warlock, the end of their relationship ever being tolerated by the Clave.

“Ok,” Magnus sighed, his shoulders sinking a little “For you.”

“I’ll be fine.” Alec repeated and didn’t know whether he was trying to convince Magnus or himself anymore.

Magnus smiled but it seemed forced and didn’t reach his eyes. His brow was still furrowed, his lips parted slightly. Alec knew there was something he was going to ask, but he was holding back. Their eyes roamed one another for a beat before Alec gave him a half smile. He nodded softly, barely noticeable but hoped that Magnus took it for what it was, an invitation. He wanted Magnus to know that he could ask him anything, even if it was painful to discuss.

“The nightmares…last time. What did they look like?” Magnus choked out, his voice barely his own.

Alec’s heartrate spiked again and his skin tingled. It felt uncomfortable, like his body wanted to close in on itself to stop the pit inside from opening back up and revealing old wounds.

“Well, the…uh, the Jace thing happened. There was the rejection, and then my parents found out. They said some pretty horrible things. News spread through the whole Institute, and when the Clave found out they, uh…they deruned me because of it.” He said, trying not to wince at the memory of the last part, the memory of the blinding pain.

He felt Magnus move a hand into his, gripping it tighter than he usually would. Alec let his head drop back against the wall again, gently bumping it against the plasterboard in a monotonous rhythm. It helped give him rhythm, get his words out.

“In short? Everyone turned on me.” He continued, trying to sound unaffected and not quite managing it. “Everything I’d ever excelled at; archery and strategy and… I was useless without my runes, without an angelic bond. I won’t go into a play-by-play of it because, judging from that look on your face it will only worry you. All in all, I was told never to speak of what had happened, that that I was self-absorbed with insufficient thought for the good of my people and had little potential for leadership.”

Magnus scoffed in disbelief and that tiny gesture filled Alec with hope. He hoped that their judgements hadn’t been true. Of course he cared for his people and wanted what was best for them, he just didn’t know if they would want him in return when the time came.

_Little potential for leadership._

Those words had haunted him his whole life. He’d carried them around, letting them rule him and keep him side-lined. It was only recently he’d made the decision to see them as a challenge rather than a verdict.

“You had nowhere to turn Alec, no one to help you understand. Those were your worst fears and they were used against you in a damaging way. You were vulnerable. You can see that, right?” Magnus said, cupping his hand at the back of Alec’s head and halting his intermittent bumping.

“Yeah, I know.”

“So, what are you afraid of now?” Magnus asked, stroking his fingers through Alec’s hair and massaging away the soreness there.

Alec kept quiet and held Magnus’ steadfast gaze with his own. If he could channel even a portion of the determination and confidence that Magnus had then he would be fine. He would never be the sort of person to _not_ have fears. He’d never _not_ replay the choices he’d made over and over again in his head, hoping he’d made the right call, but maybe that was a good thing?

He dropped his eyes and stayed silent. Magnus’ hand had stilled on reaching the nape of his neck.

“I’ll still be here when it’s all over, no matter what I see. So will your sister, and Jace, and the Institute that are ready to follow you, because _you_ Alexander, are a _great_ leader. If the Clave didn’t already think that then you wouldn’t have got this far.”

Alec stayed quiet, mulling over Magnus’ words and hoping he was right. He felt Magnus lean over and press his lips softly against his own, lingering there. Magnus’ breath tickled his skin and he wished he could just stay here, in this depressing room, if it meant he could hide in the security that Magnus managed to create for him.

Suddenly a low rumbling broke the silence and interrupted them. Magnus pulled back slightly, a smirk clinging to lips still hovering so close to his own.

“Sorry,” Alec muttered rolling his eyes. “No eating remember?”

Magnus rested a hand on Alec’s stomach, brushing his thumb back and forth across the fabric of his t-shirt. The tenderness of the gesture was probably enough to keep him from starving at the moment.

“When this is all finished how about I summon us the biggest steak you’ve ever seen?” Magnus said, his eyes gleaming.

“That sounds perfect.” Alec replied, knowing Magnus only went for extravagant foods following exhaustion or trauma.

He wondered now if he’d been selfish in wanting Magnus to be here. Maybe the Clave had been right and he was still just as self-absorbed as he’d been at eighteen. His last Ascension trial had had an irrevocable effect on his life. Only recently he’d managed to pull himself together again. He didn’t want to get lost in broken dreams and irrationalities for a second time.

_You’ll be fine._

_You’re stronger now._

He had to do this. He _wanted_ this. He wanted to be Head of the Institute. This was a sacrifice that had to be made. He didn’t have time for fear because being frightened was self-absorbed. _He_ was being self-absorbed.

He kept reflecting on what so many others had been through in comparison to him, his sister, Jace, _Magnus._ This feeling…this apprehension, it wasn’t fear or pain. He had no right to use those words. He knew nothing of them.


	2. Repetition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How uncharacteristically quick of me!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one as much as the previous...

Magnus watched from his seat as Alec walked into the centre of the room, shoulders back and head high. To everyone else he probably looked confident and assured, everything a leader needed to be. Magnus knew better. He saw the way Alec lightly rubbed his index finger against his thumb as he walked and the way his steely gaze avoided the one thing in the room that Magnus couldn’t _stop_ coming back to...that chair. It was hauntingly similar to the ones in the Institute cells, but now wasn’t the time to think of _that_. Alec was nervous and fighting with every ounce of his being not to show it. 

The room was large and typically gaudy, like every other room he’d had the displeasure of frequenting here. It seemed much bigger than was surely required. It was usually used for minor legal hearings or smaller council gatherings, or so Izzy had informed him. She sat to his right and wore a similarly concerned expression on her face. She’d told him there were more spectators here than Alec’s last trial, but that was to be expected. Ascension to become head of the Institute always needed more minds to pass judgement, to be sure that decisions were well balanced and the Clave agreed as a collective. 

Magnus was here for Alec’s support. He’d known Alec would try to protect him from this and go it alone. He’d had to push a little for Alec to see that he wanted to be here for him, despite how much he hated the Clave and their medieval rituals. If he was honest with himself he was terrified, but he needed Alec to know that he was here for him to lean on.

Izzy was the representative from Alec’s proposed Institute. They were the only two sitting at the spectator’s balcony and yet the room was far from empty. Jace’s presence had been requested and he was sat off to the side. Izzy briefly mentioned something about it being routine for any parabatai to be present. Residual side effects could often be felt through the bond and needed to be monitored. 

“Then there’s the council of ten,” Izzy explained. “For lesser trials the full council rarely assembles. You’re lucky if you get seven or eight...more important things to deal with I suppose. When a new head is appointed all ten need to be here though. I had six at mine. I think Alec’s last was five members?”

Magnus nodded along with her prattling, trying to let the amount of knowledge she had about the trial wash over him. He knew this was her way of trying to calm his unease. This was normal for them. Alec has done this before. He will be fine. _Won’t he?_  

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from his brave and healing Alexander, who’d already been through so much. He was so close, just a little below where they sat, agreeing with whatever the hell he was being told. He watched him sign numerous bits of paper and roll the sleeves of his shirt up carefully. 

“Magnus?” 

Magnus forced his eyes away from Alec to face the younger Lightwood at his side. The way her eyebrows quirked a little in sympathy was so similar to that of her brother.

“He will be ok Magnus,” she soothed, placing a hand on his arm lightly. “He’s got you now, and he’s nowhere near as messed up as he used to be. He knows what he wants. He’s decisive under pressure and he knows how to lead. He’s practically a different person...I’m sure he’s going to pass this time.” 

Her eyes widened almost immediately, realising her mistake. 

“ _This time_?”

“Uh...Magnus...don’t...”

“ _He didn’t pass last time?!”_ Magnus asked incredulously.  “I don’t understand. How was he allowed to go out on patrol, to accept missions if...”

“He passed ok?” Izzy tried, urging Magnus to keep his voice down by firming her grip a little on his arm. Her eyes were fierce yet frustrated. Frustrated at herself for letting her guard down enough to spill the beans. She took a moment and eventually let out a collected sigh. 

“Last time, dad formed part of the council. He was a serving head and a political delegate at the time, so he took the seat designated for the political representative. Anyway, I heard him and mom talking afterwards about how the majority of the council wanted to fail Alec based on what they saw, that it was concerning and someone like him shouldn’t be granted access to the combatant ranks of Shadowhunters.”

Magnus rolled his eyes and scoffed at that, struggling to contain the number of cutting retorts climbing his throat. Alec was worth more than any number of these pompous councillors. 

“I don’t know what he did, but I think dad had to pull some major strings.”

Magnus searched Izzy’s pained expression. She’d guarded this secret for so long and Magnus knew how protective of her brother she could be. But why wouldn’t Alec feel that he could tell him? He’d been so forthcoming when they’d spoken last. He’d admitted he was apprehensive. Was he too ashamed? Unless...

“Alec doesn’t know does he?” Magnus asked, hating how defeated he sounded. 

Izzy slowly shook her head, guilt written all over her face. She said nothing more and yet her eyes spoke volumes. He knew why she’d hidden it from her brother. She’d wanted to look out for him, to boost his self-esteem, to shield him from the crippling doubt and inadequacy he’d pile upon his already weighted shoulders. 

“He was so unhappy Magnus, I-I didn’t…

Magnus placed his hand on hers and gave it an affectionate squeeze, noting the way the tension eased from her body a little at the gesture. He understood. He’s wasn’t sure if he agreed with keeping this from Alec but he wanted her to know that he understood her motives. Alec was in a better place now. He was stronger. Magnus _had_ to believe that this wouldn’t cripple him now the way it would have done at eighteen, because he’s not sure he can keep this secret.

He felt his eyes pull back to Alec’s presence in the room below and his stomach dropped through the floor. Alec was looking up at him, uncertainty masked behind a cool facade. His desperate want to believe in himself, to believe that he could go through this again, was bleeding out of him. Magnus hoped that if he saw what he needed reflected in another, that it might be enough to smother that uncertainty and suddenly they were bleeding out together, connected across the separation. Magnus focused in on Alec’s face because that’s all he _could_ focus on. He couldn’t look at the Clave officials strapping him down to that chair, couldn’t look at the leather straps tightening around the tender skin that he loves so much.

He doesn’t want to see the syringe piercing Alec’s neck rune and won’t acknowledge the way Alec angles himself slightly to let them do that to him. Magnus doesn’t focus on any of that because Alec hasn’t taken his eyes off him and he doesn’t know what his own are saying in response.

_I can’t watch you in pain. I’m terrified. I love you. You can do this. I will always believe in you._

Whatever it is, he hopes it’s what Alec needs right now.

*     *     *     *     *

Alec had tried to take in all of the faces angled in his direction as he’d entered. He was used to people surveying him, silently judging him. He knew what they needed to see. Pride. Confidence. Victory before anything had been won. He’d become good at reflecting what people wanted to see in him over the years. He stated his full name and acknowledged that he was here of his own choosing, waved any offers of treatment or counselling afterwards. He knew better this time than to even consider that. It was weakness in their eyes. Some things would never change.

The council of ten as a collective looked solemn and intimidating. There had been nowhere near as many eyes on him last time. He acknowledged each of their introductions and respectfully engaged in conversation with a few, based on his interest with each of their departments. There was a wide variety here at least: politicians, strategists, educators, military and so on. Then there was the familiar face of the Inquisitor and honestly, Alec never knew whether she had his back or not. They butted heads a lot and had opposing thoughts on pretty much every issue that arose, but Alec suspected it was down to her that Magnus had been allowed here so he was a little more courteous towards her than he normally would have been.

Other than Imogen, the only face on the council he recognised was that of Jacob Raventree. He’d been around intermittently in Alec’s childhood and never seemed to mind giving up his time for him. His mother and father hadn’t been bad parents, a little regimental maybe and too concerned with what others thought, but he knew that they loved him in their own way. But Raventree’s visits, though few and far between, always filled Alec with a warmth that he clung on to. He was the first adult that was interested in _him_ , not his progression or training or shortfalls. He taught Alec how to play chess at ten and covered for him that one time he smashed one of the Institute windows at sixteen. More than anything, he listened. He had never judged him as lesser, but then, he never _knew_.

Alec hadn’t seen him since he was seventeen when he’d accepted a strategist position stationed in Idris. What if he thought differently of him now everything was out in the open? He gave him a nod when he was introduced and immediately relaxed when the lines of Raventree’s eyes crinkled with fondness. Hopefully that was one vote in his favour.

“If you’ll take a seat Mr Lightwood.” Said the official to Alec’s left, gesturing to the grim looking chair that would hold him in place throughout the trial.

Alec slowly began rolling up his sleeves, wishing he’d worn a t-shirt instead of long sleeves. He was a little hot and hoped it didn’t come across as nervousness. If anyone asked he would say it was because he wanted the leather straps against his skin, didn’t need a protective layer to guard him. Surely that was the kind of rubbish most of them would lap up.

He allowed himself a moment to eye the restraints cautiously, fighting the urges in his body that remembered their grip all too well. He ignored the voices in his head telling him to turn and give up this pipe dream. Pressing forward, Alec pushed himself up onto the chair, reclining in it slightly as was needed. It was cold and clinical but he eased into it as he would the chair in the Head’s office when this was all over. He could do this.

He felt the official place all of the necessary monitor tabs on him whilst securing the straps one by one around his wrists and his ankles. They were tight and he hoped he didn’t thrash as much as he apparently had the last time, as they’d left what looked like burn marks in their wake. He flicked his eyes up towards the spectating balcony for the first time since he’d entered the room. Part of him had been terrified at what he’d see in Magnus’s face. It wouldn’t help him if the last thing he saw before he went under was Magnus’s terrified eyes but equally he _needed_ the last thing he saw to be Magnus.

Magnus was a little paler than usual, holding onto his sister’s hand and trying so desperately to reflect her ease. Alec knew he was frightened for him, he could tell he wanted to swoop in and make it easier and more comfortable as he always did. The inability to do so was killing him and that was clear in every tense line of his body.

“I’m now going to administer the serum that will stimulate brain activity once you’ve been pulled into REM stage of sleep Mr Lightwood.” The official’s baritone filled the silence of the room “Brain waves, oxygenated blood levels, heart rate and breathing are all registering effectively and will continue to be monitored throughout. Do you consent to this?”

Alec hadn’t taken his eyes off the figures on the balcony. He’d seen this all before and it had freaked him out the last time. He needed calm. He needed someone to stop the butterflies hammering against his ribcage. He needed _Magnus_. He moved his head slightly in approval, allowing the official access to his neck where he felt a delayed stinging. He then felt the drawing of a rune on his forearm knowing it was an acceleration rune. He’d be asleep in mere seconds.

He could see how tightly Magnus was holding on to the balcony railing. He looked so helpless and Alec hated it. He never wanted him to look like that again. He could feel unconsciousness clawing at the edges of his mind and he balled his hands into fists, registering the way the straps around his wrists felt tighter. He needed to get through this so that he could be more than he already was, so that he could make a change. It would be small to start with but he could do it. His eyes felt heavy and he knew his head was rolling back and forth from his chest to the chair’s headrest, fighting the drag into an ocean of fear. Magnus wasn’t so clear anymore, just a blurry outline. He’d be there when he woke up.

He could do this. He’s done it before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently nightmare/fear planning.  
> Talk to me guys...


	3. Darkness in Every Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> I'm off on holiday on Saturday and I wanted to get a chapter out before I go...so here you go.  
> Note some updated tags.
> 
> Havent had time to have this beta read as I agonised over it for bloody ages, so just take it as it is! I do owe thanks to Hannah though who I roped in to quickly proof read for me because it was verrryyy rough!
> 
> Enjoy xx

“He used to be afraid of the dark when we were kids. They used it against him as a punishment, a training exercise…” Izzy’s voice was unsure and her brow furrowed at the black expanse that showed on the monitor that should be visualising Alec’s dreams. 

“Obviously the dark doesn’t bother him anymore. I-I don’t know what this is.” Magnus watched her wave her hand in the direction of the enlarged screen in frustration. She needed to know what he was going through too, he understood.

Alec’s body lay limply fastened to the chair still. His breaths were long and drawn out, almost like his subconscious was preparing him for something. Outwardly he still seemed largely unfazed by whatever he was experiencing, whatever the council couldn’t see or feel. Occasionally his heart rate would pick up a little but so far things had been uneventful.

Magnus knew Alec wasn’t afraid of the dark. He squinted his eyes to try and make out _anything_ on the monitor and strained to try and hear better. Over the confused chatter of the gesticulating council members Magnus thought he could hear the pattering of rainfall. Was Alec out in the rain? Only a dull glow could be seen flickering occasionally, like low light hitting soaked tarmac, but Magnus wasn’t sure whether that was from the dream or a monitor glitch.

The screen was dark, too dark for his liking. It was hollow. Empty.

“Fear is irrational Isabelle.” Magnus said after a little while, his voice coming out steadier than he felt. “I’m not surprised Alec was afraid of the dark as a child. It’s something unknown and so easy to get lost or hide in. It was used against him as fears never should be and so, it’s what he’s grown up clinging to.”

“I don’t understand.” Isabelle said softly, her eyes searching his face.

“There is darkness in life too Isabelle. Alec’s tendency to hide himself in the dark meant that he had become afraid of the light.”

Understanding began working itself across Izzy’s face. Her shoulders hunched a little and she wrapped her arms protectively around herself. She’d always tried to help Alec, and she’d been a child at the same time. It wasn’t her fault but he didn’t know what to say to help. He’d just been thinking aloud, drawing on his own experiences and what he knew of Alec’s past. Magnus knew better than anyone that a fear of the dark morphed into a fear of so many things.

Their stilted conversation was suddenly interrupted by a crack of thunder and, seconds later, an illuminating flash of lightening. Magnus abruptly turned from Isabelle and launched himself as far forward as the balcony would allow, gripping it tightly. The street that had been illuminated, albeit briefly, was from his neighbourhood. There was no mistaking it. _Why_ was Alec wandering in Brooklyn, out in a storm?

The councillors had ceased their debating, clearly eager to know what was going on. Magnus felt his mouth drop open when he heard his own voice coming from the monitor, calling out for Alec. All eyes turned in his direction and he tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. The tone the voice coming from the screen sounded off, it didn’t caress Alec’s name like it should.

“You’re okay Alec,” Magnus whispered, gripping the railing tighter before feeling Izzy’s hand over his. God he hoped his instincts were wrong about what he was going to see.

*     *     *     *

Alec always enjoyed the sound of rain. It soothed him, or it usually did. He liked the way it spread in a crescendo of monotony over the city’s bustling streets, touching everything and emptying them. He felt like he was sleeping whilst awake. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t the ending they were meant to have. _He hadn’t seen this coming._

He let his back slump against the brick wall of an unknown building, legs shakier than he’d like to admit. He had to be far enough away from Magnus’ by now. He couldn’t remember how long he’d walked for, needing to keep everything in, letting the dull thud of his footsteps and unblinking eyes numb his senses. He wanted the night to hide him, just for a little while. The street lights here were always out, smashed to pieces, just like he was.

When had Magnus stopped fighting for them, and why hadn’t he noticed? Was he so _selfish_ that he hadn’t noticed? He’d focused on trying to build up the world around him that he’d missed the very foundations crumbling. Surely that was it?

He couldn’t bear this pain. He’d been healing, _finally..._ and now?  Hearts weren’t supposed to feel like this, to take this amount of strain and feel this tired. His eyes were stinging and he just needed some time to fall to apart, without everyone watching him. His mom had been right. _Everyone_ had been right.

He tried to take a deep breath, searching himself for any of the sensations he’d felt since Magnus came into his life, for any hint of the light he’d been living in for the past few months. All he could think of were the shadows of a former life that he didn’t want to go back to.

Repetitive days and monotonous nights. A life without risks and spontaneity, without gentle touches and a smile he could lose himself in.

“Alec?!”

A street or so behind him he could hear Magnus’ voice echoing. He was tracking him, surely that meant he still cared? The reverberation of his name, the _wrong_ name, was getting closer and he was paralysed by it. Magnus had single-handedly reduced him to everything he’d always fought so hard against. He was vulnerable, cut open, heart exposed and bleeding all over the grimy street.

“Alec? Alec! Don’t just run out on me like that.” Magnus said, turning the corner and looking almost as soaked as he was. He waved a hand and illuminated the closest street light, bathing them in a dimmed gold. When he spoke his tone was soft and pleading. “Please, talk to me. I didn’t want it to come out like that.”

Alec kept his eyes trained on the ground between them. If he looked at Magnus he was afraid everything he was struggling to keep in would spill out. He was scared that it might be the last time he got to look at the warlock. There had already been so many _lasts_ he’d taken for granted. The last time they’d slept side by side. The last time he’d made Magnus laugh completely carefree and unburdened. The last time Magnus had looked up from beneath him, golden eyes teasing.

“Magnus, I cant…please…” Alec choked out, increasing the distance between them because he was barely holding it together.

“You’ll always be special to me Alec. I should have said that, but this isn’t fair to either of us. It will end in heartache, much _worse_ heartache. You know this too, deep down. Don’t for a minute think that this isn’t killing me too.”

Despite Alec’s backtracking Magnus moved forwards and gently took his hand. Alec didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to vocalise the sickening hollowness he felt inside. He didn’t know how to change Magnus’s mind, but he had to try, right?

“Magnus, please. Just – just give me another chance, give _us_ another chance, _please_.”

He looked up and the anguish lining Magnus’ face pushed him over the edge. When Magnus began softly shaking his head he couldn’t hold it in anymore. The emotions he’d managed to crush in his chest, trapping deep beneath his rib cage, burst out and his only hope now was that the rain disguised his weakness.

“You said you believed in me. _You said that._ I know what you’re afraid of, I do…just, _please…_ believe in me. I can fix this, and we can do whatever you want…go wherever you want.” Alec stuttered.

Alec knew he looked awful when he cried, eyes swollen and red stress marks all over his face from the strain of keeping it in. His chest heaved and seized as he struggled to control his breathing. He was a perfect contrast to Magnus’s graceful tear tracks. He didn’t want the first time Magnus saw him in this state to be now, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

“You should head back to the Institute, Alec.” Magnus said, cupping his face and wiping at his soaked skin affectionately.

“ _Stop calling me that!”_

Alec watched Magnus flinch back at his tone. He hadn’t meant to shout but his name didn’t sound right like that, not coming from Magnus’ lips. The man in front of him didn’t even sound like _his_ Magnus any longer. Magnus let out a pained exhale but stayed silent, his eyes searching Alec’s face for a way to make this easier.

“Say it. Say it properly, _please.”_ Alec begged, not caring how he sounded anymore. No one was here, no one would see except for Magnus.

“I…I don’t…”

Alec had rarely seen Magnus stuck for words and something inside wanted to help him out, even now. He wanted to go home and dry the warlock’s eyes and fix his own ruined face, get them dry and talk about how they could overcome every seemingly insurmountable obstacle.

The rain was soaking through to his skin and he was vaguely aware he was shivering, that his legs hadn’t stopped trembling and were barely taking his weight. His face though, it felt hot and he wanted Magnus’ contact back, to soothe and anchor him as it always did.

His pride and dignity had drowned the moment he had broken down. His legs went from beneath him and his knees hit the ground hard. Magnus had moved forward to grab on to him but Alec had grasped hold of the warlock’s hands in his own, bringing them to his face.

“Don’t make me go back to that life Magnus.” Alec whispered brokenly. “I can’t go back to my life before you… I can’t…”

“You’re strong Alec,” Magnus started, taking control of Alec’s hold on him and kneeling so that they were eye-level again. “You’ll be fine. You’ll move on…”

“No, no, don’t…please.”

“It’s time for you to go Alexander. You can’t stay out here in the dark.”

It was a small mercy, he knew that. God, he must be a pathetic sight right now but he didn’t want to leave. He wasn’t ready to go back into hiding. All he could feel was the falling threads of darkly luminous water that stood out against the gloomy buildings. He didn’t know what to think, or what to feel or how to _be_ anymore.

“I love you Magnus.”

The silence that followed was deafening. He needed him to say it back. He could get up and leave, he could try to teach the sobbing mess he’d become to soldier on as he always had done, if Magnus would just _say it back_. Instead he just kept looking at him in that devastatingly wounded way that stripped Alec to the core.

_Say it. Please say it, don’t take this from me too._

The thunder cracked overhead, so loud that it was jarring and Alec brought his hands up to his ears to shield them from the high pitched ringing that was screeching through his head. It was painful and he shut his eyes against it, overwhelming him suddenly. He felt nauseous and like he needed to empty whatever was lodged in his stomach.

He moved a hand to his temple and squinted his eyes open. The pain in his head had become a loud pounding and when he pulled his hand away it was soaked in dark crimson blood. _His blood_. He must have hit it harder than he thought when he’d gone down. How long had he been out? Where was everyone?

The battle was still raging and the mist was low over the outskirts of Brocelind Forest. The storm was still raging and the wind had picked up but the rain had stopped. All that remained were the pools of rainwater streaked with red, scattered between the fallen bodies that littered the ground.

This was a slaughter. The Shadowhunters were tired and the battlefield looked hopeless. True to form those who were still standing fought on, not caring that each was outnumbered at least six to one. Being a defeatist wasn’t in their nature. Even facing death they had values to uphold, honour and bravery. _A glorious death_.

Alec knew better. He knew death wasn’t glorious. Shadowhunters weren’t afraid of death, but that didn’t stop them screaming in agony or spitting up their insides when it finally came to the end. The glory of a soldier’s death was a myth. He’d bought into it once, a long time ago, before Magnus and their life together.

 _Magnus._ He’d been fighting. He needed to find him, and everyone else. Before he could even attempt to lift his broken body from the ground he was crippled with a blinding pain. A pain he recognised all too well. He couldn’t contain the cry that ripped from his throat and he placed a shaking hand over his Parabatai rune, willing the contact to ease the anguish. His shoulder felt like it had been lanced through and it was burning him up from the inside out.

Alec forced his mouth into a straight line and gritted his teeth against the pain. _Where the hell was his stele?!_ Using a discarded blade to help push himself up, he moved his grip to his throbbing shoulder. He was unsteady and his breathing was rattled. He was no good to anyone right now but he needed to get to Jace, to find Magnus, and Izzy. He needed to get _everyone_ safe.

He concentrated on walking, one foot in front of the other, trying not to let his dizziness pull him to the ground again. He knew his posture was slightly bent over and it pained him to keep his eyes open and trained on the ground. He could see small bloody spots dripping on the gravel below him – were they his? The hand that was holding on to his shoulder felt warm and sticky, and he noticed that it was now drenched in blood. Was that from his head wound? All he could feel was the sweat trickling down the back of his neck. His knees were weak and his body felt light, and not his own.

Alec could see a number of dark assailants tracking his pained movements across the battlefield. They stalked him at a distance, probably finding amusement at the state he was in. He didn’t care.

They drew in closer to him, like wolves about to pick off a weakling from the herd. They followed as he limped to where he knew Jace had been fighting. They weren’t attacking him but they were growing in number. He registered their smirks in his fading peripheral vision. They didn’t even see him as a threat. He tried to firm his grip on the blade in his hand but knew that when it came down to it, he’d barely have the strength to lift it, never mind defend an attack.

He desperately wanted to let his eyes close and let his conscience sleep but he couldn’t give in. There were people relying on him. He needed to find his family, needed to get them to safety.

When a tall foreboding figure cloaked in black blocked his chosen path, Alec faltered a little.

“What do we have here?” The man ahead of him taunted, lifting his own blade in the direction of Alec’s throat. “A bird with a broken wing?”

Alec heard laughter and sensed a number of similarly oppressive figures circle him. He swayed on the spot, fighting to keep himself conscious. The blood loss had made his eyes heavy and his vision blurred. He stared into the chasm of the man’s face, his own blade impotent in his hand.

“What are you waiting for?” Alec shouted, his throat dry and cracking over each word.

“We know exactly who you are, _Lightwood._ Good thing we only need one of you, you happen to be the only one left in play.”

It took Alec a second to comprehend the meaning behind those words before his body began to shudder. All of the air rushed from his lungs and he struggled to catch a breath. _Izzy,_ the little girl with huge brown eyes that he’d tied shoelaces for, read stories to and dried teary eyes for. The best friend he’d confided in and shared his isolation with.

She wasn’t gone. He’d have known, he’d have felt something. She knew things that no one else did, private jokes, and childhood secrets, and all of the worst parts of him. She had a future. She had a family to build and a life to lead.

He barely contained the choked scream that fought past his lips when his knees were kicked out from beneath him. It felt like his shoulder had been torn open, flesh exposed and ligaments ripped apart. His arms had been pulled behind his back. He could just about feel the biting cold of metal locking around his wrists, keeping them there. What he couldn’t get away from was the ebbing and flowing of something else inside, something embedded in his very being. It was making his heartbeat irregular, making it beat erratically out of time.

_Izzy can’t be gone. She can’t be gone._

Alec knew his head was rolling down on to his chest and his breathing was shallow. He should be face down in the dirt by now. He felt like a part of his spirit had dimmed, like a light had gone out…or was barely hanging on.

“Put him with the others.” A voice said, and Alec felt a boot nudge at his side. He needed to cry, to scream, to punch and kick, to do _anything._

“With the others at Lake Lyn?” Another voice asked.

“No, idiot. Not with the Downworlders, with the other prisoners.”

Alec’s ears perked slightly at that and it didn’t go unnoticed. He shuffled uncomfortably on the ground, hoping the movement would bring him back to the present. He couldn’t think straight. He needed to know where Magnus was. He needed to check his Parabatai rune. He needed to _see_ it because something didn’t feel right.

“Oh yeah. You’ve got a personal interest in the Downworlders right?” The cloaked figure asked again and Alec could practically feel his mouth frothing at the tone he was taking. “Bane, isn’t it?”

Alec started to struggle against the hands that were holding him down, albeit weakly. More of them had moved in, grabbing at him and grinning at their prize. He felt feral, stripped of his logic and rationale.

“Oh he was a high priority. Can’t have someone like him getting away now can we?” Alec looked up at his tormentor through the blood that had dried and congealed on his eyelashes. “Never fear. He’s with the others. Safe and sound. Someone like _that_ needs a good purification.”

Alec spat as he was dragged to his feet, his shoulder probably past the point of ever functioning the way it used to by now.

“Don’t worry. We will make sure the water sends him back to the house of his father’s, where he belongs.” The figure smirked, getting closer to Alec’s face than was necessary.

The wind howled through the trees in the distance and Alec felt jealous. It lamented and screamed in a way that he couldn’t.  He was useless. No good to anyone. It didn’t stop him from fighting, and pleading, and crying like he had as a child.

_Magnus is scared of open water._

His feet dragged along the blood-spattered ground and over bodies and limbs when his oppressors started moving again. Suddenly he found himself begging for death. He needed that _glorious death,_ that bloody brutal screaming death that he’d belittled.

Even that would be better than living like this, his future in the dark. Everyone that should have been a part of it snuffed out, unprotected and alone.


End file.
